Sunday, July 13, 2014

Infertility Sometimes Makes You a Terrible Person

I wake up today and I just feel "off".  I am moody and very crabby today.  Mark stops me and asks me what is wrong with me today.  I say that I don't know, but when I stop to think about it I do know. 
I had brunch with a friend of mine yesterday.  We have know each other for 10 years now.  We met in graduate school and have seen each other through a lot - marriages, divorces, new jobs, leaving jobs, new houses, old houses, new pets, pets passing away....and babies.

She is currently very pregnant with her second child.  Luckily she and her husband have been very blessed with not having fertility problems.  Their second was basically an "oops" in that they thought it would take them a while to get pregnant and instead it happened right away.

I am very happy for her.  Her daughter is adorable and I can't wait to meet their little boy when he arrives.  It's just that no matter who it is, sometimes when I see a pregnant woman it is hard to not stare longingly at her growing belly, to notice the rosy glow in her cheeks, to see how she lovingly rests her hands on her belly or smiles when the baby kicks.....and know that I will never have those same experiences.  I am sad and jealous and depressed and longing all at once.

I hate this.  You never know when it is going to affect you.  You can go days, weeks sometimes even months at a time and feel fine for the most part.  Not really notice babies, children and pregnant women.  And then, when you least expect it, you see them and you feel like a dagger has just been shoved through your heart.  It doesn't matter who it is - a complete stranger or your closest friend or even your own sister.  That horrible feeling starts welling up inside of you from deep in your belly and into your heart.  Infertility sometimes makes you a horrible person.

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