Today was bittersweet. To quote my favorite Big Head Todd and the Monsters song "It's bittersweet more sweet than bitter, Bitter than sweet, It's a bittersweet surrender"
I have mentioned before that I have been going to an infertility support group that I found through Resolve.org. I almost cannot put into words how helpful this group has been for me. Infertility often makes you feel isolated. You feel like you are suffering through an almost insurmountable difficulty all alone. Because so few of us are open about our infertility, most of us don't realize that so many others out there are suffering too.
I am lucky that I flipped through a family building options magazine in my RE's office and saw an ad by Resolve.org. And that I checked out their website and found that there are support groups in my area. And especially that I put aside my fears and went to a meeting. That was a pivotal moment for me.
The group was wonderful. Everyone was kind and supportive. As we shared our stories I felt a kinship with these men and women. We were all suffering, and we were all trying hard not to give up.
As beautiful of blessing that a child is, and not matter great the dream is to have a child, sometimes the journey to having one can seem too hard, too painful, and too futile. For many, infertility is resolved by the decision to live child free.
I have at times thought of giving up. I have thought that if I was meant to have a child that I would have one. That maybe I am tempting fate and the wrath of the gods by trying to sneak in a child through alternative means.
Listening to the stories of others who were also struggling with infertility gave me hope and gave me to the courage to keep going on my journey.
It was very hard for me to have to leave that support behind once we had a BFP.
Resolve does encourage those who attend their groups to come back to make their pregnancy announcement. The thought is that we all need good news once in a while. We need to know that it can work. We need to know that our struggles may not be in vain.
I was nervous about making my announcement. I worried that it would be hard for some to hear. I have cried tears of agony at my empty womb when an ultrasound picture pops up on Facebook, or when I hear yet another pregnancy announcement. I did not want to be the source of that horrible pain for someone else.
But it turns out that I wasn't. Several of us have been attending the group for a while. Each month we hope that we won't see someone at group - that it finally worked out for them. When we see them month after month we know the sad truth.
When I went through my story I choked up describing my losses. It sometimes surprises me that even though now we are very likely finally realizing our dream of having a child that my losses still hurt, and hurt just as much as they ever did.
But the ending to my story finally changed.
We finally had a BFP.....a BFP that was at 18 weeks.....and had gone through prenatal testing that kept coming back good....a BFP that may actually be a real baby someday.
Everyone was happy for me. They shared that my story gave them hope. That is a beautiful gift that I never thought I would be able to give. A bittersweet gift.
I hope that I see all of the members of my group again someday.....maybe at the hospital with their newborn, or at daycare or school. I hope to see them holding the child that they so desperately want. I see us looking at each other, realizing how we know one another, looking at each others children and giving one another a knowing smile.
Until we meet again.....