It is 7 pm on October 15th and I am lighting my candle for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. If everyone lights their candle at 7 pm and keeps it burning, the world would be bathed in a continuance wave of light. I like to think that this wave of light burns so brightly that our lost loved ones can even see it from wherever they may be.
I have two more candles lit this year.
Last year we were just coming back from India, hopeful that one of our little embryos had found a cozy home for the next 40 weeks. That we would finally realize our dream of becoming parents.
We never even contemplated that it would not work, not just once but twice, and that instead of being parents we would be lighting more candles today.
Today Baby S is 20w5d. Most people would be overjoyed and would be working on their nurseries. I am still conflicted and uncertain that I will someday meet him face to face.
Although I am happy that we have made it this far, I am still very scared. Scared that next year there will be another candle.
I fear that this would be the last candle, and that this candle would break me.
Baby S, someday you may be an only child in this world, but your are not alone in my heart. You share that space with Daniel, Marilyn, Gavin and Grace. Four beautiful babies who I was not able to meet, not able to hold in my arms.....but I hold in my heart.