Saturday, August 30, 2014
Plans A, B and C
Mark and I decided to go out for dinner, have some wine, and talk about things. Because I am a planner I have been pressing him over and over again to talk about Plan B (or C or D) if Plan A doesn't work. Wait, I guess that right now we are actually on Plan C, but let's forget about that for a moment and assume that surrogacy in India via fresh transfer of my eggs is Plan A.
So, if Plan A doesn't work, then we will pursue Plan B. Plan B is a frozen transfer using our 4 embryos that were frozen last year (our four "poor quality" embryos). Because Plan B doesn't seem like a good option (which is why we are pursuing Plan A and hoping for better quality embryos this time) shouldn't we have a Plan C?
What would Plan C be? If we undergo another egg retrieval and still have bad eggs (despite supplements, changing protocols, and acupuncture) than I probably just have bad eggs. Period. End of story. If I just have bad eggs than it doesn't make sense to keep trying with my eggs.
If we don't use my eggs, then what do we do? I have tried to bring up adoption before with Mark and have not gotten very far. Mark is scared of adoption - it is a lot of time, money and heartache and like IVF, is not always a sure thing. I admit that I am a little scared too but I had always thought (until recently) that adoption was our only option. Mark also fears that if it is not his child that he won't live it enough.
I have admit that is a valid fear. A lot of people have that same fear. I personally don't have that fear of adoption, but I do towards donor eggs. I have been very resistant to the possibility of using donor eggs. I guess that I felt that if I couldn't carry a child myself, and then couldn't even produce eggs to have a child for someone else to carry, that I was receiving a clear message about having children in general. I also feared that I wouldn't love that child enough, that I might actually resent a child that was Mark's and not mine, and that looking at that child and not seeing myself would make me feel like a total failure.
I have spent some time rethinking this. I decided that at the end of the day, the most important thing is for Mark and I to have a child, and I should stop being so picky as to the makeup of this child.
Mark and I had a really good discussion about Plan C tonight. He told me that his first choice would be for us to have our child - he thinks that the two of us will make a really good child - they'd be good looking and sooooo smart. He said that if I am not OK with donor eggs, then he is no OK with donor eggs. That we would be done after Plan B.
I explained that I have softened my opinion a bit. I found out that most clinics in India do offer Caucasian donor eggs. They are a LOT more expensive than Indian donor eggs, but they are available. These eggs often come from women of Eastern European descent. Well, I am 1/4 Czech, and have often been told that I look czech, so an egg of Eastern European descent would potentially look (somewhat) like me. I decide that my one sticking point is that the donor must have blue eyes, since I have blue eyes as does Mark. I explain to Mark that blue is a recessive gene and that two blue eyed people can only have blue eyed children (Thank you Sr. Donna for teaching Mendel's Laws of Genetics so well). I explain to Mark that a child with any other eye color would obviously not be a product of the two of us. (You can prove this to yourself here http://genetics.thetech.org/online-exhibits/what-color-eyes-will-your-children-have )
We have an accord for Plan C.