I woke up this morning and Mark said that we got an email from India - the beta is now negative. He gave me a hug and said he was sorry. I got up and read the email myself and started to process. In my mind I was thinking - I knew it - and was sorry that I had been right all along.
What this means to all of you not versed in infertility speak is that we were pregnant, and now we are not pregnant - we had an early miscarriage.
A few people know about everything and they have been being wonderfully supportive. A couple keep telling me that I need to be more positive. Well, it is easier to take bad news when you weren't overly positive about it in the first place. When you get good news you are then pleasantly surprised. Unfortunately, I tend not to be pleasantly surprised that often - especially in the fertility department.
Despite my self-protective nature, I am taking this news harder than I thought that I would. I thought that since it is not happening to me, and that I kept telling myself the pregnancy is only theoretical at this point, that somehow this news would be easier to take. Somehow my protective shell would keep me from being incredibly sad, feeling disappointed, and breaking down into tears. Turns out my shell is not as strong as I thought it was.
We can try again in 10-15 days if everything resets for our surrogate. We also should start looking into what we need to do to ship our frozen embryos (if needed), since I have read that can be a process in and of itself.
For now I will try to keep my chin up and be as positive as I can.
But, deep down I fear that the remaining six embryos will suffer the same fate.....