Friday, October 31, 2014

All Tricks and No Treats

Halloween is probably my favorite holiday.  Not for mountains of candy like it is for most kids and many adults, but for the chance to dress up and play a part for the evening.  Many of us have big parties to go to where we tend to drink a little too much and revel with our friends.  It is a break from the boredom, stress, and responsibilities that generally come with being an adult.  I tend to spend months planning and often making parts of my costume for the year.

The fun has definitely been sucked out of Halloween the past couple of years.  Last year we had our post IVF recap meeting with our RE the day before our party.  I did not take the news well that our eggs were poor quality and that they suggested going through yet another IVF cycle to try to get better eggs.  I wasn't able to stop crying long enough to get my makeup and costume on so that kind of ruined going to the party.  I also made Mark hand out the Halloween candy.

This year we just didn't have a Halloween party, so the costume will go unworn for yet another year.  If we really wanted to, we could have planned one, but since it was too close to getting back from India we passed.

The trick or treating was another matter.

After finding out that I just had yet another pregnancy loss, I felt that Halloween was a little too soon and a little too much to handle.  Just the thought of seeing a bunch of children running around in their adorable costumes felt like a knife through my heart - seeing it in person would probably ensure a teary breakdown. We decided that we would leave a bowl of candy on the porch and go to dinner and a movie to make sure that we weren't home during trick or treating.

Unfortunately, not being home for trick or treating did not protect me from all of the sadness that Halloween brings.  Oh no.  The onslaught also spills into work.  Halloween is a big deal where I work - there are treats, a costume contest and trick or treating in the afternoon.  Because the possibility of children could extend to the entire day and not just during trick or treating (based on prior experience), I decided that it was just safer to work from home and avoid the entire day to begin with.

I know that other infertiles have the same feelings about Halloween, Holidays, Family Gatherings, etc. etc.  An infertile friend told me that they had a year that they also weren't home on Halloween.  Depending on where we are at, we may be able to get past our own sadness and truly be happy for all of the children that everyone else seems to have no trouble having.

So while trick or treating, when you pass the home with no lights on don't judge them so harshly.  Yes, they may be cheap assholes who just don't want to spend the money on candy, or they may be a childless couple who sees every costumed child as a reminder of the child they may never be able to dress up for Halloween.

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