Thursday, November 13, 2014

I'm Pretty Sure I Lost My Chance For a Happy Pregnancy a LONG Time Ago.....

The saddest thing about losing a pregnancy is not just that you have lost a pregnancy, too often you have lost a hope, a dream, and your sense of innocence and joy towards pregnancy itself.

I read an article today about how a prior pregnancy loss affects how a woman views pregnancy thereafter.

If you have never experienced a pregnancy loss, I hope that this article helps you to realize how lucky you are, and how you can be more understanding for someone who has.

If you have experienced a pregnancy loss and are feeling some of these some feelings, I hope that your realize that you are not alone, and that you are very normal for feeling the way that you do.

One of my greatest struggles with my husband is that he does not understand my feelings.  He thinks that I am just being a pessimist, that I am just a "glass half empty" kind of person.

He was getting very frustrated with me when we got back from India.  He was convinced that since they transferred four embryos that we would have twins.  Wouldn't twins be so much fun?

I, on the other hand, kept warning that we definitely shouldn't expect twins, and maybe should not expect a baby at all.

When the first Beta test came, I was fully expecting it to be negative.

When the first Beta test was low, I was fully expecting the next one to be lower and then nonexistent.

When we were told that the Beta was finally negative I was not surprised - I already knew that this was going to happen.

When we do finally (hopefully) have a strong Beta test, I know that I will worry about every Beta test thereafter.  I will worry that the gestational sac isn't forming, that the heartbeat can't be found, that our baby has some genetic abnormality, that it will be born too soon....or not at all.  I will worry until it is finally (hopefully) born at least after 30ish weeks and has a chance to survive.  Once it is born, I will worry that something will happen, I will worry until that child is safe in my arms here at home.

I hope then I will stop worrying excessively, that then I will feel safe that my baby is finally mine.

I know that I am not alone in this worry.  I have had the opportunity to talk with other women who have suffered pregnancy loss and we all feel this way.  We have lost our pregnancy innocence.

Pregnancy is supposed to be one of the most joyful times in a woman's life.  It is supposed to be a time when you dream about what your child will be like, when you delight in picking the colors and furniture for your nursery, and get to buy cute little onesies and stuffed animals and other adorable baby toys. 

It is not supposed to be a time of sheer terror that the next time you go to the bathroom that IT is going to happen, that one day the baby just won't kick, that the ultrasound will show that your baby isn't normal....or not even there at all.

Once you have lost a pregnancy, too often you have also lost the joy that pregnancy is supposed to bring.

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