I think It's Time For A Break

Mark and I have been talking about where we are at and what our next steps should be.

Unfortunately right now I don't know that we are on the same page.

Mark is already talking about our next IVF.  What?  Last summer when we started down this path we were talking about one IVF and we have now done three.  And, after the second I said "never again".  The only reason I agreed to the third was due to India and the fact that it cost the same price to do an IVF there as it would have cost to ship our embryos over.

We've already done a bonus round.

Also, if none of our 10 embryos work who's to say the 11th would?  Unfortunately I think that I may just be suffering the same fate as many 39 year olds - my egg quality has fallen off due to age.  Unfortunately no amount of DHEA, supplements, diet, acupuncture or fertility yoga can actually change that.  We all like to think that these things work, but statistically they don't.

There may actually be hope through some experimental procedures out through through a company called Ovascience.  Unfortunately these treatments are expensive, only increase IVF success by 10% and are not available in the US (not FDA approved).  Their long term effects are also not yet known.

There is also the offer from Mark's sister that I just haven't processed yet.

Because we are not on the same page, because since we started on this journey a year and a half ago we have had a lot of heartache, because even as much as we love each other infertility has been hard on our marriage - and hard on both of us in general, we have decided that we are going to take a little time off.

We are going to take a little while to not worry about beta tests, shipping eggs, IVF, etc. etc.

We are going to take a little time for us.

Merry Christmas

Have yourself a merry little Christmas.......

I am not going to sugar-coat things, the holidays are hard when you are struggling with infertility. 

Our families are aware of our struggles, so I feel like we probably have it better than a lot of people.  At least we don't have to dodge questions from relatives that we rarely see like others do.  I have actually told everyone that I don't want to talk about India, babies, infertility, etc. at all this Christmas.  I would like to get away from all of that for a couple of days and focus on spending time with family.

It is hard though.  At times I feel thoughts creeping in about how I thought that we were going to be pregnant this Christmas.  And it hurts.

Santa did not bring me a positive beta test this Christmas, I guess that I need to be happy with my new slippers.

I'm Gonna Make Him An Offer He Can't Refuse....

Mark received a text from a family member that she wanted to talk to him.  He thought that it had to do with the holidays when he called back, absolutely not expecting the real topic of conversation.

I was not involved in the conversation, but this is how I imagine that it went....

The family member - I have been thinking about this for a while, and see how hard it has been for you two trying to have a child of your own, and I would like to help you with that.....I would like to be your surrogate.

Mark - What? Oh, Um, OK.  Bye.

I am sure that there was more conversation than that, but Mark does tend to be a man of few words at times....especially when it comes to tough conversations and feelings.

Mark tells me that he has some news.

He sits down with me on the couch and tells me that his family member has offered to be our surrogate.  I am speechless.....and I am rarely speechless.

When I regain the power of speech I find that there are so many things running through my mind and I can't seem to talk fast enough to keep up with them.  Why?  Why now?  Is this real?  Is she REALLY offering?  (you have to know that when people hear my story a LOT of them have "offered" to be my surrogate - it is not a real offer, it is because that it is a nice thing to say, a way of being sympathetic to my situation - you can bet your bottom dollar that if I followed up with a gestational surrogacy contract it would NOT get signed).  Is the real? (you have to also know that we have had two people offer in earnest to be our surrogate and neither have ended up being our surrogate)

I say "OK" and "That's Great", but in my heart I just can't believe that it is real...not yet.

I just can't really process.  Three days ago we found out that our last two embryos didn't take and I am mourning that loss.  I also just can't believe that this is real, somehow it's not going to work out - she's going to rescind her offer, or she won't get cleared medically, or somehow we aren't going to come to terms on the contract.  She's just offering because she feels bad for us, or in the Christmas spirit or something like that.  If she was serious, we would have talked about this before, before India.

It can't be real is all that is going through my head.

My Heart is Heavy

Today I am sad.  Although I wasn't expecting the last transfer to take, it is still hard news to hear.  Even though you try not to get your hopes up, you do, even just a little bit.  You hope that this time it is going to work, but then it doesn't, and then you are sad.

I keep trying to be hopeful in that we have 4 embryos left....but it is hard.

The RE wasn't exactly overjoyed at their quality - 3 grade 3 and 1 grade 4.  And I don't take his suggestion that we "try again" to try and boost the egg quality as a positive sign.  (We did, and it didn't work).

I have been suggesting to Mark that we have the embryos PGS tested.  That way we KNOW whether or not there are any abnormalities and theoretically whether or not they would "work".  PGS testing has been a topic of discussion at group.  The thought is why keep going through failed transfers and miscarriages?  Why not test the embryos to see if they are good and only transfer the good ones that have better chances?

The problem is that as we get older, less and less are "good".  It is possible that out of our 10 embryos none may be good.

I am trying to put my sadness on hold for a little while and try to get through the holidays.

Strike Two

We received an email from India this morning.

The Beta test was negative - the second transfer failed.

We are looking into shipping the remaining embryos over for another try.

I can't really say more at the moment - still processing and need to get my shit together so that I can go to work and pretend that everything is OK.

Infertility sucks.

Christmas is Coming!

Today is the day that I realized that Christmas will be here in less than two weeks and I AM NOT READY!

My excuse is that we just got back from vacation last week, but technically I could have been planning before vacation instead of planning my vacation wardrobe.  A girl's got to have her priorities though.....

Today I decided to tackle Mark's present.  He asked for some new aftershave.  Unfortunately this is something that I cannot just order online like I do pretty much everything else.  Nope.  I have to go to a store and smell different men's colognes and pick out one that I think I can live with.

What a zoo! I was nearly hit a couple of times in the parking lot alone.

People were EVERYWHERE in the store.  An associate came over and asked me if I needed help.  I said no.  Really I just needed to pick a cologne that didn't smell like ass. 

When did so many men's colognes come out?  This definitely was not like the good old days when designer cologne meant either Polo or Drakkar Noir (remember those days?)

Now there are like 6 different kinds of Polo alone.

Of course there almost no test strips around so I am trying to sniff the bottles or spray some cologne in the air without getting any on me.  FAIL.

I then proceed to accidentally get a full spray on my hand.  Of course it is a scent that I HATE.  And, I get to smell like it for the next 1/2 hour while I wait in line to check out (I wish that I was embellishing right now) and the 1/2 hour ride home until I can wash my hands.

I hope Mark likes his stupid aftershave.

I Need Another Vacation

Why do you always need a vacation after your vacation?

I have been digging out under piles of emails, files, and laundry the past few days.

I really miss the stress-free bliss of vacation :(