I Just Don't Understand

 http://www.startribune.com/local/273325741.html

We get the local paper - The Minneapolis Start Tribune - on Sundays.  When I say "we" what I actually mean is "I".  I have been getting the Sunday paper for years.  I think that it is a holdover all the way from childhood.  On Sundays we would get up, go to church, and then relax that afternoon and read the Sunday paper.  I used to (and still do) delight in pouring through the shiny colorful ads and see what was on sale, picturing the what the new jeans would look like in my closet or a new couch in the living room.  Most of the time it is just imagining rather than buying, but it is still fun.

I usually skim through the paper itself, stopping occasionally to read a story, but mostly just skimming to see what is going on in the world.  Today I actually read a story, an entire story, and it broke my heart.

Today the paper featured a story about Eric Dean, a child who managed to somehow slip through the cracks of the system, a child who was abused by his own parents and died by their hands at the age of four.  While these stories are always hard to read, today this story really hit me hard.

Perhaps it was the fact that they posted his picture (above), so instead of Eric being a faceless victim all could see that he was a real person.  A sweet little boy with big bright eyes, who craved hugs and attention.  A little boy who affected those around him, people who tried to save him by trusting in the system that ultimately failed him.

I am sad because this is a tragic, senseless death that could have been prevented.  The article included a timeline of Eric's life which showed that the child protection agency was called 15 times in his 4 short years and only actually investigated once.  An investigation that obviously wasn't followed through to completion.

I am sad because I have to assume that Eric's parents were ill.  They would have to be to commit such a terrible crime.  I have to assume that they suffered from some sort of addiction or mental illness or both.  Too often illnesses of the mind are left untreated due to our general misunderstanding of them, people being to afraid or ashamed to ask for help, or just simply not having access to the medical care that they need.

I think that I am most sad because of the fact that so many suffer from infertility and will never have a child of their own, while others have them and just throw them away.

Plans A, B and C

Mark and I decided to go out for dinner, have some wine, and talk about things.  Because I am a planner I have been pressing him over and over again to talk about Plan B (or C or D) if Plan A doesn't work.  Wait, I guess that right now we are actually on Plan C, but let's forget about that for a moment and assume that surrogacy in India via fresh transfer of my eggs is Plan A.

So, if Plan A doesn't work, then we will pursue Plan B.  Plan B is a frozen transfer using our 4 embryos that were frozen last year (our four "poor quality" embryos).  Because Plan B doesn't seem like a good option (which is why we are pursuing Plan A and hoping for better quality embryos this time) shouldn't we have a Plan C?

What would Plan C be?  If we undergo another egg retrieval and still have bad eggs (despite supplements, changing protocols, and acupuncture) than I probably just have bad eggs.  Period.  End of story.  If I just have bad eggs than it doesn't make sense to keep trying with my eggs.

If we don't use my eggs, then what do we do?  I have tried to bring up adoption before with Mark and have not gotten very far.  Mark is scared of adoption - it is a lot of time, money and heartache and like IVF, is not always a sure thing.  I admit that I am a little scared too but I had always thought (until recently) that adoption was our only option.  Mark also fears that if it is not his child that he won't live it enough.

I have admit that is a valid fear.  A lot of people have that same fear.  I personally don't have that fear of adoption, but I do towards donor eggs.  I have been very resistant to the possibility of using donor eggs.  I guess that I felt that if I couldn't carry a child myself, and then couldn't even produce eggs to have a child for someone else to carry, that I was receiving a clear message about having children in general.  I also feared that I wouldn't love that child enough, that I might actually resent a child that was Mark's and not mine, and that looking at that child and not seeing myself would make me feel like a total failure.

I have spent some time rethinking this.  I decided that at the end of the day, the most important thing is for Mark and I to have a child, and I should stop being so picky as to the makeup of this child.

Mark and I had a really good discussion about Plan C tonight.  He told me that his first choice would be for us to have our child - he thinks that the two of us will make a really good child - they'd be good looking and sooooo smart.  He said that if I am not OK with donor eggs, then he is no OK with donor eggs.  That we would be done after Plan B.

I explained that I have softened my opinion a bit.  I found out that most clinics in India do offer Caucasian donor eggs.  They are a LOT more expensive than Indian donor eggs, but they are available.  These eggs often come from women of Eastern European descent.  Well, I am 1/4 Czech, and have often been told that I look czech, so an egg of Eastern European descent would potentially look (somewhat) like me.  I decide that my one sticking point is that the donor must have blue eyes, since I have blue eyes as does Mark.  I explain to Mark that blue is a recessive gene and that two blue eyed people can only have blue eyed children (Thank you Sr. Donna for teaching Mendel's Laws of Genetics so well).  I explain to Mark that a child with any other eye color would obviously not be a product of the two of us.  (You can prove this to yourself here http://genetics.thetech.org/online-exhibits/what-color-eyes-will-your-children-have )

We have an accord for Plan C.

Everything is Booked....

It's 6 am.  Mark's alarm goes off and we both groggily get out of bed.  I excitedly ask "Is there an email from India this morning?"  Not yet, no email.  "We need to email them again!"

As I keep bugging Mark to send an email while taking my shower he finally tells me that I can stop pestering him.  We have our email.  We have our travel dates confirmed and I have my medication prescription.

I barely dry off before I am at the computer forwarding information to our clinic here to process the prescription and to book our flights and hotel.  Luckily I have been looking at flights and places to stay for a couple of week now so I just had to refresh the search.

The flight is going brutal - 8 hours to Amsterdam and then 8 more hours to New Delhi.  I guess that I should be thankful for only one short break, but we are in coach and on one of the flights not even sitting together (I keep trying to get new seats but the airline so far isn't letting me change).  Thankfully the flights are actually pretty decently priced even though we are past the six week prime booking window.

Unfortunately the fact that we are outside of the prime booking zone is affecting our hotel choice.  Two weeks ago the Hyatt Regency was offering a 50% off prepaid deal for extended stays.....now it is only 20%.  We would like to stay pretty close to the clinic, but also don't want to dip below 4 stars or stay somewhere that isn't rated pretty well on travel sites.  We feel like we are just creating more opportunities to get sick if we don't stay in a nicer place.  As much I had my hopes up for the Hyatt a difference of $1,000 for our stay is pretty significant - that buys 6 vials of Follistim.  So, we picked a boutique hotel close to the clinic.

In addition to our flights and hotel, we also have my drug prescription from India (at least the first five days of my protocol).  I get that over to our clinic here, who then dispatches an order to Walgreens.  I also have my Day 2 labwork and ultrasound scheduled for the day that we leave.

It's starting to get real.........

We Got Our VISAs!

Our FedEx package finally arrived today.  I was nervous to open it.  I was really hoping that the fact that it seemed light was a good sign.  Our application can't possibly be in there.........I hope.

I slowly opened the package and looked inside.  Only our passports were inside.  OK.  I flipped through my passport and a couple of pages in was my VISA!  OK.  I flipped through Mark's passport and a couple of pages in was his VISA.  I could barely contain my joy.

We have been on hold for weeks now, waiting for word on our VISAs, knowing that we can't book or plan anything until we get them.  We were so worried that we weren't approved.  The email that we received on Friday did NOT say that we were or were not approved, only that our application and passports were being dispatched.  This looked a lot like a rejection to me.  If we were rejected than we had to quickly try to fix whatever the problem was and reapply.  This meant at least a couple more weeks, this meant that we were most likely not going to India at the end of September and would have to wait until the next cycle in October....or even later.  Unfortunately after 35 and especially after 38 each month that passes by means that you are less and less fertile.

Even as I am composing the email to India letter them know that we got our VISAs and I got my period (on time despite last month's hiccup) and that we were now ready for our travel dates, prescriptions and next steps, I could start to feel the tension slowly lessening.  Don't get me wrong, I still feel pretty stressed, but at least now at has decreased from "heart-attack level".

I can't even begin to express how relieved that I am at this moment.  I feel like a huge weight has been lifted, that we can finally move forward, that we may actually be going to India and this whole thing might actually work out.



At Least Something Is Going Our Way

Mark and I got our TSA PreCheck Authorizations today.  At least we've got one thing going our way.

Not Sure That This Is A Good Sign

Mark calls me today all excited.  We got an email from Cox & Kings!  It says that our VISA is approved!  Let India know so that we can get our game plan and get things booked!

I then take a moment to read said email.  I decided that Mark is illiterate.

The email says that our application and our passports are being sent back to us......not that our VISAs are approved.  I read online that they will take up to two weeks in processing your application, and then send it back to you if it is missing data or incomplete.  They've had our applications for over two weeks and said that are sending them back to us.

I fear that this means our VISAs were not approved and that we will need to reapply.  If that is the case, that could mean another 2-3 weeks before we get them.....if we get them.  We cannot book any travel or firm up any of our plans until we have our VISAs.  This may mean that we have to shift things back another month at this point.  I hope not.  I am trying to be positive and hope for the best.....it is pretty hard to do that.

I think I'm going to have some wine.....

We Need A Date Night

Mark and I have been snapping at each other pretty much nonstop since I got home.  I know that it is the stress of everything that we have going on.  We have too much going on.  We both are very busy at work, going through a remodel, and trying to get things lined up for India.  Some days it is a major accomplishment just to keep out shit together!

I ask Mark if we can have a date night tonight.  He quickly agrees.  Thank God!

We started talking in the car on the way there.  He admits that he is over his limit right now and I admit that I am also.  Unfortunately we are coping by taking it out on each other.  I know that this is not the most healthy way of dealing with things, but seems to be how we both keep it from coming out at work.  We agree that try and do better with that.

At dinner I surprise Mark and sit on the same side of the booth with him.  He seems a little uncomfortable so I ask him if that's OK.  He says he's just never done that before.  I haven't either but think it's sweet when I occasionally see other people do it.  It was sweet.  We held hands and were actually able to have a conversation without "yelling" over the table.  I think we should do it more often.

Good food, good wine, and good conversation.  These are things every relationship needs from time to time.