Thursday, June 18, 2015

Waiting For Resolution

OK.  Not that type of "resolution". 


1. The state or quality of being resolute; firm determination: faced the situation with resolution.
a. A firm decision to do something: made a resolution to get more exercise.
b. A course of action determined or decided on: His resolution is to get up early.
a. The act of solving or explaining a problem or puzzle.
b. The resolving or concluding of a dispute or disagreement.
c. The part of a literary work in which the complications of the plot are resolved or simplified.
There is more to the definition of resolution, but this should be enough to get the point.  In the Infertility world resolution is loosely defined as either 1) giving birth a child, 2) having a child via surrogacy 3) adopting a child or 4) deciding to live child free.  The gist of it is that either an event or a decision is made and you are free from the swirling vortex of infertility.

Right now I just wish that we were resolved (no matter what our ultimate resolution may be) instead of not being there yet.

Today my coworkers all got together and went to the Twins game.  Despite the fact that I really don't like baseball it was a pretty good time.  The sun was shining, the game was fast and the Twins actually won (and in an exciting dramatic way), and I actually found some "dark" beer to drink .  I spent some time conversing with my new coworkers and we had some good laughs.  All in all not bad time.

After the game we went to a local bar for a bit more beer and some appetizers.  Still a pretty good time.  Then, as it always does, the numbers start to thin.  I was at the end of the table with two female coworkers.  One I knew found her resolution through adoption, the other I was just informed that she found her resolution of triplets through IVF.  

It turned out that this was a very uncomfortable conversation for me.  Despite being someone who probably had a lot to share, I did not say a word.  I couldn't.  I was afraid that if I spoke, I might break down.

It has been very difficult for me the past few weeks with everything that has been going on.  Let's face it, infertility is stressful at best.  I have just started a new job which is also very stressful.  I also no longer have a support network at work that I can talk to - I have not shared at work yet.  It feels too soon.  So, while on the inside I have felt like freaking out, on the outside I keep pretending that nothing is wrong.  

It was getting harder and harder to listen to this conversation and pretend that nothing is wrong.  It was the triplets that were getting to me.  I admit that pangs of jealousy were welling up inside me.  Where are my triplets (or twins or singletons)?  Why hasn't IVF worked for us?

As she went on and on about how she was on extended bed rest and how bad her back hurt and how much her C-section scar sucks I couldn't help feeling so jealous of the fact despite the obvious hardships, she was able to give birth to healthy children at 35 weeks (which is phenomenal for triplets) ....and I am never going to experience that.

I was sitting there wishing for back pain and bed rest and scars and stretch marks.  These are all things that I will never experience.

I know that this would have been a good time to share my experience, that I could have started to develop a network at work to talk about my infertility experiences with, but I just sat there and did not say a word.

Thankfully the remaining group was beginning to disperse so the conversation wrapped up.  I said my goodbyes and walked back to my parking ramp.  Instead of enjoying the sunshine and the fact that I wasn't at work, I just felt so sad.  I made it to my car and broke down in tears.

Right now I am OK if we have our own child, adopt a child, or never have a child.  I just want this to come to an end.  It is so hard being in limbo all the time, not knowing what will or will not work, and if it will even work at all.  The stress is affecting me and affecting Mark.  We have been on edge for months and it is staring to show.

I try to remain positive and hopeful, but really I just want resolution.


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