Thursday, January 8, 2015

Why Are Gifts Sometimes So Hard To Receive?

Mark sent me a text today that his family member was cleared medically to be our gestational carrier.

Did he not tell me that she was sending in her paperwork?  Or (and this is probably the more likely answer) have I been so wrapped up in my sadness that I just didn't hear him?

I should be overjoyed that this has happened.  I should be so happy that we have made it this far.  This is one step further than we made it with one GC and two steps further than we made it with another.  Why am I not excited?

I had lunch with a work colleague today who has become a wonderful friend and mentor to me.  I found out that she had infertility struggles herself and she has been a godsend to me.  She helped me through my IVF cycles, my losses, and just gets it.  It is hard to find people that get it. She has just been so wonderful to me and today was no exception.

We went out to lunch and I once again dominated the conversation.  I feel really bad that I keep doing that.  I know that once in a while I have been helpful and listened to her, but I do really sometimes feel (and I hope this isn't really true) that it is more her listening to me than me listening to her.

I have told absolutely no one about family members offer to be our GC, not even my mom.  But today, considering our news, and the conversation that Mark and I had last night about my wallowing, I finally felt that I needed to tell someone my news.

It was hard.  I started crying in the middle of Byerly's.  Thankfully it was just Byerly,s, I hadn't spied anyone that I know, and I don't think (don't hope) that hardly anyone noticed.

I feel really bad.  I don't understand why accepting this gift is so hard.  Am I a bad person for thinking that this gift was hard to receive?

She assured me that No, I am not a bad person, and of course this is a hard gift to receive.  It is a HUGE gift.  And, I am not a person who is accustomed to a lot of gifts.

That is true.  Pretty much everything that I have I have worked very hard for.  I grew up as the oldest in a large family.  My parents did not have a lot of money.  Actually that is almost glossing over the truth.  We were poor.  We had reduced lunch tickets.  We went to Catholic school for free and had to get hand me down uniforms from the office (I think that one year I actually had a uniform that fit, but for the most part they were always too big, too long, too short, too small, etc. etc.) The only reason that we were not on welfare is because my parents were too proud.  I paid for my own college and my own graduate school.  Yes I have received some gifts along the way, but not much of material value.

I know that this is part of it, but not all of it.

I have done some soul searching along the way I think that part of the problem is that I am also not sure that I deserve such a gift.

Probably that is really the heart of the matter.  Underneath the facade of confidence and self assurance that I project (and most days it is not just a facade - it is true) there still and always lies a scrawny schoolgirl who gets picked on because she is super smart, dorky, poor, bad at sports, etc. etc.  I know that children are sometimes unknowingly cruel, and that often the cruelty stems from their own insecurity and short comings.  But, it is still hard to rise about it, and although the wounds have healed, there are scars that remain. 

I wish that I could say that being successful, and attractive, and having a nice life that many people would want would make up for everything.  It does most of the time.  It's just that that deep latent insecurity sometimes finds a way to come out and rear it's ugly head.

I think that this is one of those times.

I am having a hard time accepting the gift of surrogacy because I know that it is something that I can never repay, and I don't feel like I deserve it.

I will try my hardest to be deserving of it.

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