Today I realized that I have been wallowing in the mud for a while and my mud is self pity.
I knew that I have been sad for a while now. Our infertility journey has been tough. It often feels like we have had nothing but setbacks and failures with no offsetting successes. It was had for me to take that out of six embryos that were transferred using two different surrogates, not one made it past 5 weeks....
I have been mourning those losses.
Even though we have four embryos left here I have felt like our journey is over. I keep focusing on the fact that their chances of success are "unlikely" instead of focusing on the fact that they have a chance at all.
I am very lucky to have a patient and understanding husband. And even more lucky to have a husband who sat me down last night to have a serious discussion about my wallowing.
I knew that I have been sad, and that I have felt more irritated than normal, and that my temper has also been a bit shorter. I also knew that I have been isolating myself - both at work and with friends and family. I have found it hard to be around people since out last news.
What I didn't know was how bad I really was and how my behavior has been affecting people - my husband in particular.
For some stupid reason, we seem to think that somehow when our life feels like it is falling apart and our heart is breaking, that we can put on a mask of OK and that the outside world falls for our bullshit that "everything is fine" and that we have our act together.
They can see right through it.
Maybe it is just me, and I think that I am a better actress than I am, but I think that it is probably a lot of us.
The good news is that most of us have built up some goodwill at work and at home and we are allowed to stumble and fall ever now and again. It's just human nature.
The bad news is that no matter how good you are and how much goodwill you have built up, at some point you really need to get your shit together.
I was reaching this time.
I think that inside I knew this, but I really needed a wake-up call. I needed something to shake me out of the funk that I was in and call me on my bullshit. Luckily for me I had that in my husband.
I am working my way out of my funk and trying to focus a bit more on the positive instead of the negative. And thankful that I am lucky enough to have my husband Mark.