Why I haven't posted for a while....

.......because we've been on our babymoon in Australia and New Zealand the past 3 weeks.

Pretty much every pregnancy blog/website/magazine etc., etc. out there stresses the importance of taking a trip together, generally in the second trimester, before the baby is born.  This trip is commonly called the "babymoon" and is important as it is probably the last big trip and the last trip as a couple for a while.  You will be spending the next few years most likely not traveling, and then the next few years going to Disneyland, Six Flags, Mount Rushmore and other "family friendly" locations.  Don't get me wrong, there is value in the family vacation, but sucking down cocktails in exotic far away locations as an unhibited couple is not overrated.

Our journey began in Cairns, Australia where we spent a few days diving the great barrier reef, meeting the local animals, and enjoying the tropical atmosphere.

We then traveled to Sydney where we spent the next few days exploring with our Australian friends.  We ate at a 5 star restaurant (complete with Dom), climbed the Sydney Harbour Bridge, sailed on an Americas Cup boat (even worked the grinders), and explored the city.

From there we traveled to Melbourne for a few days where we went winetasting, had an amazing lunch on the train, went on a ghost tour of the Melbourne jail, and spent even more quality time with the local animals.

After that we were off to the North Island of New Zealand for five days of adventure.  We went spelunking, white water rafting, horseback riding, visited a thermal park, spent the day on an active volcano island, looked for shells by the sea and even handfed some eels!

  

It was an amazing trip, possibly the best trip we will ever take.  We had so much fun and experienced so many new and cool things.  We are very blessed to have the ability to take such and trip and especially for having our Australian friends.  The trip would not have been possible without them and we will be forever grateful.

We're Going To Need A Bigger Deerstand

Sitting alone in a deer stand for most of the weekend gives one a lot of time to think.  Well, in between reading, scanning for deer and some naps (seriously, we were up at 4:30 in order to get in our stands at least an hour before sunrise - naps are part of the process).


Like most deer hunters, there is a group of us that hunt together.  This particular group started with our friend's father-in-law and his buddies many, many years ago.  The group has changed over the years with members coming and going and member's children joining the group.  Mark and I were the newest members, joining just two years ago. 

It is an interesting group with members spanning all ages.  There are even some of the usual deer camp suspects....

http://www.startribune.com/the-characters-in-a-minnesota-deer-camp-which-are-you/341023031/

Although I have deer hunted off and on (more off than on) for 15 years now, this year felt a lot different.

This year we are (finally) expecting, and expecting a little boy at that.  As my mind started to wander during my long sit in my stand I started to think about that little boy and how things will change once he arrives.

I was worried that this might be my last year deer hunting.  It is typically a men's sport, although many younger women do hunt with their families.  But, as these women get married and especially have children, they tend to hang up their rifles and/or bows and end up letting the boys hunt while they stay at home with the rest of the family.

Mark and I have talked already that we will need to find some creative ways to make sure that neither of us needs to give up hunting.  We may try to alternate mornings/afternoons or maybe entire weekends.  I am happy that Mark is being considerate on this as hunting is something that I enjoy and would like to continue.

Our friend is the one who introduced us to this hunting party.  He has a little boy who has been hunting with him for a few years.  I see how much hunting means to both of them and how excited his boy gets about being able to sit in the stand with his dad.  Our friend is the hero of his little boy.  It touches my heart to watch them together.

This year I started to think about my own little boy.  I pictured him sitting in the stand next to me, dozing in his little sleeping bag, getting excited when he thinks that he heard a deer, and maybe taking his first deer next to me.

I did not grow up deer hunting, I only picked up it later in life as an adult.  Most people don't understand it, and especially why a woman would hunt, but I like it.  The anticipation of getting a bird or a deer is exhilarating.  And when you finally do see that bird or deer in your sights, and take that shot, the adrenaline rush in unbelievable. 

But, really it is not about that for me.  What I enjoy most about hunting is the relationships.  My husband loves that I go hunting with him.  It is a nice way for the two of us to get away and spend time together.  Our deer hunting party is made up of some hilarious characters but just really good people.  While everyone enjoys a funny story and a little ribbing, we all want to see each other succeed and are there to help when they are in need.  This is why I hunt, and this is what I would like to share with my boy.

While I have been hunting for a few years now, I have not been the luckiest.  I have gotten a few grouse over the years, but never a deer.  As I climbed into my stand this morning I thought to myself, "How am I going to teach my little boy to hunt if I have never even gotten a deer myself?".  I knew that this was going to be my year, that I was going to get a deer today for my little boy.

It was a warm weekend, which unfortunately is not good for deer hunting.  When it is warm the deer move around at night and don't come out during the day.  While we hear some shots yesterday, today was eerily quiet.  Dusk was coming soon and there was only about a 1/2 hour left of hunting for the day.  That is when I heard the crack of a branch breaking.  I looked up and about 50 yards ahead of me was a deer.  I raised my rifle, shaking with excitement, and pulled the trigger. 

I then realized that in my excitement I had forgotten to remove the safety.  SHIT!  I removed the safely quickly and re-sighted in the deer.  I breathed out and took my shot.  It was a great shot, she dropped right there. 
 
It was amazing and I almost could not believe that I had finally gotten my first deer.  But then I reminded myself my thoughts earlier in the day, that I would get a deer today for my little boy.

In my heart my little boy was right there next to me the whole time.

Trick or Treat?

Halloween comes with mixed emotions this year.  Today Baby S is 23 weeks along and so far everything has been good and he seems healthy.  A year ago we had just found out that our surrogate had lost our little maybe baby at just 5 weeks along.  While we knew that the initial beta was not strong, it still was not negative and there was still hope.  I read story after story of others who also had low betas and that low beta turned into a happy healthy baby.

Against my better judgement I got my hopes up, even if it was just a little.

OK, maybe more than a little.

Very much against my better judgement I started to dream.  I pictured us meeting maybe baby for the first time and the thrill of holding Maybe in my arms.  I picked out nursery bedding......

I figured that my womb was the problem and if we removed my womb from the situation then we had removed the problem.

I was wrong.

When we had our second transfer in December I was much more cautious with my hope.  Even so, I still got my hopes up a little only to have them dashed by another failure.

So now I find it extremely hard to be hopeful.  Especially right now.

I find myself thinking about our little maybe baby that never became a real baby.

Tricks and not treats.

I feel guilty when I am happy about Baby S as I feel like I am taking away from the memory of those I have lost.

It's a tough line to walk.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day

 

It is 7 pm on October 15th and I am lighting my candle for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  If everyone lights their candle at 7 pm and keeps it burning, the world would be bathed in a continuance wave of light.  I like to think that this wave of light burns so brightly that our lost loved ones can even see it from wherever they may be.

I have two more candles lit this year.  

Last year we were just coming back from India, hopeful that one of our little embryos had found a cozy home for the next 40 weeks.  That we would finally realize our dream of becoming parents.

We never even contemplated that it would not work, not just once but twice, and that instead of being parents we would be lighting more candles today.

Today Baby S is 20w5d.  Most people would be overjoyed and would be working on their nurseries.  I am still conflicted and uncertain that I will someday meet him face to face.

Although I am happy that we have made it this far, I am still very scared.  Scared that next year there will be another candle.

I fear that this would be the last candle, and that this candle would break me.

Baby S, someday you may be an only child in this world, but your are not alone in my heart.  You share that space with Daniel, Marilyn, Gavin and Grace.  Four beautiful babies who I was not able to meet, not able to hold in my arms.....but I hold in my heart.

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

 
In 1988, President Ronald Reagan designated October as Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month – an action that launched the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Movement. Although over a quarter century has passed, this issue remains prevalent as, each year, approximately a million pregnancies in the United States end in miscarriage, stillbirth, or the death of the newborn child.

Did you know that:

• One in four pregnancies ends in the loss of a baby
• The loss of a child is recognized as the most intense cause of grief
• Parents never "get over" the loss of a child – no matter the age
• Parents experiencing grief without supportive care can have debilitating consequences such as PTSD, depression and anxiety that could further result in job loss, divorce, difficulties in daily living, or impediments with parenting of living children

The loss of a child stays with a family forever, but the emotional and physical impacts are often challenging for others to truly understand. Having support through grief is paramount to recovery. Raising awareness is the first step to accessing available help. 

Here is a link to find local support groups in your area

http://www.firstcandle.org/grieving-families/grief-resources/local-support/

Until We Meet Again....

Today was bittersweet.  To quote my favorite Big Head Todd and the Monsters song "It's bittersweet more sweet than bitter, Bitter than sweet, It's a bittersweet surrender"

I have mentioned before that I have been going to an infertility support group that I found through Resolve.org.  I almost cannot put into words how helpful this group has been for me.  Infertility often makes you feel isolated.  You feel like you are suffering through an almost insurmountable difficulty all alone.  Because so few of us are open about our infertility, most of us don't realize that so many others out there are suffering too.

I am lucky that I flipped through a family building options magazine in my RE's office and saw an ad by Resolve.org.  And that I checked out their website and found that there are support groups in my area.  And especially that I put aside my fears and went to a meeting.  That was a pivotal moment for me.

The group was wonderful.  Everyone was kind and supportive.  As we shared our stories I felt a kinship with these men and women.  We were all suffering, and we were all trying hard not to give up.

As beautiful of blessing that a child is, and not matter great the dream is to have a child, sometimes the journey to having one can seem too hard, too painful, and too futile.  For many, infertility is resolved by the decision to live child free.

I have at times thought of giving up.  I have thought that if I was meant to have a child that I would have one.  That maybe I am tempting fate and the wrath of the gods by trying to sneak in a child through alternative means.

Listening to the stories of others who were also struggling with infertility gave me hope and gave me to the courage to keep going on my journey.

It was very hard for me to have to leave that support behind once we had a BFP.

Resolve does encourage those who attend their groups to come back to make their pregnancy announcement.  The thought is that we all need good news once in a while.  We need to know that it can work.  We need to know that our struggles may not be in vain.

I was nervous about making my announcement.  I worried that it would be hard for some to hear.  I have cried tears of agony at my empty womb when an ultrasound picture pops up on Facebook, or when I hear yet another pregnancy announcement.  I did not want to be the source of that horrible pain for someone else.

But it turns out that I wasn't.  Several of us have been attending the group for a while.  Each month we hope that we won't see someone at group - that it finally worked out for them.  When we see them month after month we know the sad truth. 

When I went through my story I choked up describing my losses.  It sometimes surprises me that even though now we are very likely finally realizing our dream of having a child that my losses still hurt, and hurt just as much as they ever did.

But the ending to my story finally changed.

We finally had a BFP.....a BFP that was at 18 weeks.....and had gone through prenatal testing that kept coming back good....a BFP that may actually be a real baby someday.

Everyone was happy for me.  They shared that my story gave them hope.  That is a beautiful gift that I never thought I would be able to give.  A bittersweet gift.

I hope that I see all of the members of my group again someday.....maybe at the hospital with their newborn, or at daycare or school.  I hope to see them holding the child that they so desperately want.  I see us looking at each other, realizing how we know one another, looking at each others children and giving one another a knowing smile.

Until we meet again.....

 

An Unexpected Benefit of Expecting Via Gestational Carrier

 Is that I can drink this while "pregnant"

We spent a long weekend touring San Francisco, Napa and Sonoma with friends.  It was a much needed break/stress reliever.  While expecting via gestational carrier is a happy event, it is also a very stressful one at times.  I have been very grateful that I can still have my wine :)