Halloween comes with mixed emotions this year. Today Baby S is 23 weeks along and so far everything has been good and he seems healthy. A year ago we had just found out that our surrogate had lost our little maybe baby at just 5 weeks along. While we knew that the initial beta was not strong, it still was not negative and there was still hope. I read story after story of others who also had low betas and that low beta turned into a happy healthy baby.
Against my better judgement I got my hopes up, even if it was just a little.
OK, maybe more than a little.
Very much against my better judgement I started to dream. I pictured us meeting maybe baby for the first time and the thrill of holding Maybe in my arms. I picked out nursery bedding......
I figured that my womb was the problem and if we removed my womb from the situation then we had removed the problem.
I was wrong.
When we had our second transfer in December I was much more cautious with my hope. Even so, I still got my hopes up a little only to have them dashed by another failure.
So now I find it extremely hard to be hopeful. Especially right now.
I find myself thinking about our little maybe baby that never became a real baby.
Tricks and not treats.
I feel guilty when I am happy about Baby S as I feel like I am taking away from the memory of those I have lost.
It's a tough line to walk.