Saturday, October 31, 2015

Trick or Treat?

Halloween comes with mixed emotions this year.  Today Baby S is 23 weeks along and so far everything has been good and he seems healthy.  A year ago we had just found out that our surrogate had lost our little maybe baby at just 5 weeks along.  While we knew that the initial beta was not strong, it still was not negative and there was still hope.  I read story after story of others who also had low betas and that low beta turned into a happy healthy baby.

Against my better judgement I got my hopes up, even if it was just a little.

OK, maybe more than a little.

Very much against my better judgement I started to dream.  I pictured us meeting maybe baby for the first time and the thrill of holding Maybe in my arms.  I picked out nursery bedding......

I figured that my womb was the problem and if we removed my womb from the situation then we had removed the problem.

I was wrong.

When we had our second transfer in December I was much more cautious with my hope.  Even so, I still got my hopes up a little only to have them dashed by another failure.

So now I find it extremely hard to be hopeful.  Especially right now.

I find myself thinking about our little maybe baby that never became a real baby.

Tricks and not treats.

I feel guilty when I am happy about Baby S as I feel like I am taking away from the memory of those I have lost.

It's a tough line to walk.

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