Saturday, October 31, 2015

Trick or Treat?


Halloween comes with mixed emotions this year.  Today Baby S is 23 weeks along and so far everything has been good and he seems healthy.  A year ago we had just found out that our surrogate had lost our little maybe baby at just 5 weeks along.  While we knew that the initial beta was not strong, it still was not negative and there was still hope.  I read story after story of others who also had low betas and that low beta turned into a happy healthy baby.

Against my better judgement I got my hopes up, even if it was just a little.

OK, maybe more than a little.

Very much against my better judgement I started to dream.  I pictured us meeting maybe baby for the first time and the thrill of holding Maybe in my arms.  I picked out nursery bedding......

I figured that my womb was the problem and if we removed my womb from the situation then we had removed the problem.

I was wrong.

When we had our second transfer in December I was much more cautious with my hope.  Even so, I still got my hopes up a little only to have them dashed by another failure.

So now I find it extremely hard to be hopeful.  Especially right now.

I find myself thinking about our little maybe baby that never became a real baby.

Tricks and not treats.

I feel guilty when I am happy about Baby S as I feel like I am taking away from the memory of those I have lost.

It's a tough line to walk.


1 comment:

  1. Thanks for sharing your experience. I must say that you very strong woman who has encourage to get baby again after loss. If you are seeking for help than you are most welcome at Surrogacy Treatment in Delhi. Here we will provide you the best services which fulfill your desire. We are offering the services at reasonable price.

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