Trick or Treat?

Halloween comes with mixed emotions this year.  Today Baby S is 23 weeks along and so far everything has been good and he seems healthy.  A year ago we had just found out that our surrogate had lost our little maybe baby at just 5 weeks along.  While we knew that the initial beta was not strong, it still was not negative and there was still hope.  I read story after story of others who also had low betas and that low beta turned into a happy healthy baby.

Against my better judgement I got my hopes up, even if it was just a little.

OK, maybe more than a little.

Very much against my better judgement I started to dream.  I pictured us meeting maybe baby for the first time and the thrill of holding Maybe in my arms.  I picked out nursery bedding......

I figured that my womb was the problem and if we removed my womb from the situation then we had removed the problem.

I was wrong.

When we had our second transfer in December I was much more cautious with my hope.  Even so, I still got my hopes up a little only to have them dashed by another failure.

So now I find it extremely hard to be hopeful.  Especially right now.

I find myself thinking about our little maybe baby that never became a real baby.

Tricks and not treats.

I feel guilty when I am happy about Baby S as I feel like I am taking away from the memory of those I have lost.

It's a tough line to walk.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day

 

It is 7 pm on October 15th and I am lighting my candle for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  If everyone lights their candle at 7 pm and keeps it burning, the world would be bathed in a continuance wave of light.  I like to think that this wave of light burns so brightly that our lost loved ones can even see it from wherever they may be.

I have two more candles lit this year.  

Last year we were just coming back from India, hopeful that one of our little embryos had found a cozy home for the next 40 weeks.  That we would finally realize our dream of becoming parents.

We never even contemplated that it would not work, not just once but twice, and that instead of being parents we would be lighting more candles today.

Today Baby S is 20w5d.  Most people would be overjoyed and would be working on their nurseries.  I am still conflicted and uncertain that I will someday meet him face to face.

Although I am happy that we have made it this far, I am still very scared.  Scared that next year there will be another candle.

I fear that this would be the last candle, and that this candle would break me.

Baby S, someday you may be an only child in this world, but your are not alone in my heart.  You share that space with Daniel, Marilyn, Gavin and Grace.  Four beautiful babies who I was not able to meet, not able to hold in my arms.....but I hold in my heart.

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

 
In 1988, President Ronald Reagan designated October as Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month – an action that launched the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Movement. Although over a quarter century has passed, this issue remains prevalent as, each year, approximately a million pregnancies in the United States end in miscarriage, stillbirth, or the death of the newborn child.

Did you know that:

• One in four pregnancies ends in the loss of a baby
• The loss of a child is recognized as the most intense cause of grief
• Parents never "get over" the loss of a child – no matter the age
• Parents experiencing grief without supportive care can have debilitating consequences such as PTSD, depression and anxiety that could further result in job loss, divorce, difficulties in daily living, or impediments with parenting of living children

The loss of a child stays with a family forever, but the emotional and physical impacts are often challenging for others to truly understand. Having support through grief is paramount to recovery. Raising awareness is the first step to accessing available help. 

Here is a link to find local support groups in your area

http://www.firstcandle.org/grieving-families/grief-resources/local-support/